A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.
The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"
The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"
The trooper said. "Yes."
"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"
The trooper said, "Yes."
"Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"
The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.
Almost 150 yrs ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton.
The function that Pinkerton established actually was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly 2. A rubber glove 3. A beer When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled, "Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!"
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country, "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "Where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"