Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
After directory assistance gave Rosy, her boyfriend's new telephone number, she dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Adam there?" Rosy asked. "He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend called," Rosy said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, Rosy dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Adam," he said. "You're not my boyfriend!" Rosy exclaimed. "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn't matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said, "Terrible weather out there."
She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing."
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."
The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"
The first one said, "Not in the slightest."
Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"
To which, the first woman replied, "No. Why should I object? Many people don't like the food they cook."